Monday, September 29, 2008

Me... me... mee... meme me

Meme Schmeme

As copied from Beth's blog. She said there were no rules to it. I meant to change the words but lacked the mental energy to think of any. So here goes....

Accent: Yeah... I do have a sexy twang, if I may say so myself. I'm still working at rolling my mother tongue tongue around those r's. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrret me reave this one arone. Next will be the ers.

Booze: I don't know who invented it but he must have been a genius; or she must have. I must say its been the best invention since sliced bread... or something like that.

Chore I Hate: Anything qualifying for a chore will bring out mixed emotions in me... and I'm not talking about joy n happiness. I am right now doing my laundry and I am hating it.

Dogs/Cats: I never quite understood how some cats go about calling each other 'dog'. "Sup dog"

Essential Electronics: Laptop; cellphone; laptop

Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Still looking to find it. I'll take suggestions.

Gold & Silver: Silver and Gold have I none.... Never had a thing for jewelry.

Hometown: Woosta - home away from home. Second largest city in Massachusetts yet it feels like a big small town; And I hate small towns.

Insomnia: Never heard of him...... or her; but trust me, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

Kids: Apparently none.... and I've checked. I even went as far as putting out classifieds in the local and un-local dailies. If you have reason to believe otherwise, please...

Living Arrangements: Temporally.... I mean, my landlord must know by now that I have no way of paying the six months worth of rent I owe him. It's only a matter of time.

Most Admired Trait: Wish I knew... I'd wear it more often. Come to think of it, I really don't know... I think all of mine are equally admired.... Or maybe I don't have none.

Neurotic Tendencies: Denial.

Overnight Hospital Stays: Once, when I was barely 3 yrs old. Don't remember much about it other than I got abused... yes, sexually. How else do I explain the nightmares with people in in lab coats... or the involuntary tightening of my sphincter muscles whenever I am in the vicinity of a hospital.

Phobia: None.... unless you want to insinuate that my fear of admitting that I am afraid is actually a phobia.

Quote: O.K. This was not a good idea..... You can quote me on that.

Religion: What can I say.... I've been searching for it in all the wrong places.

Siblings: One.... A brother, 8 yrs my junior.

Time I Usually Wake Up: Just before my alarm goes off... usually.

Unusual Talent: Evasion... It is only under special circumstances that this is considered a talent. I am right now hiding under those circumstances.

Vegetable I Refuse To Eat: None... A good testimony to my mother's gift of persuasion; or my aversion to pain.

Worst Habit: Procrastinating.... So badly so, I now even put off procrastination for another day.

X-Rays: What I wouldn't give for X-Ray Vision... I'll settle for the glasses.

Yummy Foods I Make: Well, are we talking me making them and they turning out to be yummy, or usually yummy foods that I do make? Sometimes... rarely I must admit, I do cook; even more rarely it actually turns out to be yummy.

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio.... I think.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Stuck in ambiguity

The clouds are hanging low... much lower than they usually do. It's not the lowest I've seen them... but it's mighty close. They are so low..... that they've obscured everything else; even the ever-recedeing horizon is not in sight. Dark... and heavy... Heavyset with gloom, filling the air with a sense of foreboding. The silver lining... if at all they have one... invisible, and while on occasion there are flashes of lightning, they serve more to blind than to illuminate.


I do not care much for this place where I am. Nothing more would please me than to get the hell out of here; and yet I stay... but not by choice. A paralysis of the will has me immobilized. Perhaps, were you to look into my eyes... you might see the helplessness that has so overwhelmed me. I am pretty sure that not too deep inside them, the pain and the anguish I feel, are all too clearly reflected. The weariness engulfing me probably lines my face.... outlining in stark detail, the sense of utter defeat that I am right now feeling.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Voting... My two cents worth on it

People pls....
Vote for your right to exercise
Exercise your right to Vote

Monday, September 15, 2008

Monday, Sunshine, BHH

I am half-way thru the worst hour of my Monday... lunch hour. Well, our receptionist / operator's lunch hour. It is my day to relieve her and that my friends is a nightmare. But that is neither here nor there.... or is it?

The weather outside is gorgeous.... unlike this past soggy weekend. Mother-nature flicking a birdie at we? Who knows... right?

Well, so it was one lousy weekend... weather-wise, but we did make the most of it.... yes? I for one actually spent countless hours trying to warm my way into the heart of the International Chapter of BHH. Apparently there is such a Chapter... for those of you who, unlike me, are not in the know.

Banange.... how to tell how successful my efforts were? Perhaps when they award me an honorary membership?

I'll be sure to keep you posted.

In the meantime... here is to a sucker-free week for all y'all.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Lust, Caution

No... it's not my current state of mind... and no it is not what this post is about, at least not entirely.

That was the name of a movie I watched over a couple of nights this week. Yes, it was very long. I could do a review, but I find it rather difficult to write those. Besides, that too was not what this post was supposed to be about. No, I still don’t know what this post was about. But, for what it’s worth, I did like the whole movie, except for the fatalistic end. It’s set in Japanese occupied China, for the most part, and in Hong Kong where this young, innocent, breathtaking beauty goes to some college of sorts and quite by chance stumbles upon a drama group led by a radical nationalist.

She joins them and is assigned a major role, and goes along when later on during the school holiday the group decides to take on some revolutionary matters into their own hands. They decide to assassinate a very dangerous and influential enemy of the revolution… Her role here too is major, as it involves ingratiating herself into his household and seducing him, before luring him to her place where the others would carry out the assassination.

This plan fails and ends up in the death of some inconsequential bodyguard… and this ruined innocence running into the night. Three years later, back in mainland China, she again by chance stumbles into a member of the old group, and before you could say whuddunit, she has again been drawn into the middle of the revolution and once again, it seems that the success of this revolution is dependent on her successfully seducing the same gentleman, whose influence and dangerousness has increased threefold.

She goes on to do this with such guile and coolness that somewhat belie her innocence. As a matter of fact… if there is anything I can say about the movie… other than that the sex scenes were to die for – Halle Berry’s Monster’s Ball has got nothing on it, it’s that for one who had never before had an interest in acting (I’d assume), this girl seemed to fall into her role(s) a tidbit too well.

Speaking of falling into roles, it occurred to me this morning while under the shower that that is what I have done in my last few relationships… (read all). I don’t remember ever thinking to myself, let me ask this girl out… and then doing it. I’ve for the most part found myself in situations that were defined more by what others saw than what we (the two in the relationship) set out to portray. This is what I meant to write about when I started… but I now forget what was so post-worthy about it.

I highly recommend that movie.. if you don’t mind long movies with subtitles. Or if you just want to see the now infamous sex scenes, fast forward to about 1:28:32 or thereabouts.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Scent of a woman

I think I've been in the sugar business for too long; I'd forgotten the taste of real honey!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Breaking it down.... (A blog posting)

8:30 A.M. (Fri - Sep 5th, 08)
I think I owe someone an apology.....
'Fifee Dearest.... I know you called me last night. I know because at 12:04 A.M. I looked at the call history and the last call I received was yours. Before that, there were four missed calls. I don't know if we talked at all... well, the call duration was 5.20 min - thank God for technology, so we must have talked. I am hoping that I did not say anything untoward, but just in-case I did, I sincerely apologise. I was not myself... you may have noticed... no, I don't know who I was.....'

12:03 A.M. (Fri - Sep 5th, 08)
Something jolts me awake. 'What am I doing in the bathroom?' I wonder to myself as I painfully try to focus my vision. Silly question... what else would I be doing seated on the toilet? I wonder what time it is and as I lift my arm to look at my wrist watch, I realize am holding my cell-phone. "It's 12:04... holy shit!" I quickly click to the call history screen and see that yes... I missed Tim's two calls, and Tony's and Maggie's... "Wait, I talked to Fifee?"

My head feels heavy, literally, and I can't seem to get my brain to work. I can vaguely recall talking to her, but about what I cannot remember. Last thing I recall is coming in from the porch... sorry, balcony, and sitting down to write something. But that was two hours ago. Oh yeah......

10:04 P.M. (Thur - Sep 4th, 08)
'I should do this more often...' I'm thinking to myself as I upturn the Vodka bottle to make sure I get the last of it. I close my eyes and, my feet pushing against the balcony railing, I lean back in my chair and swish the drink around my mouth before slowly swallowing it. I ruefully stare at the bottle... regretting that it's no more. A quarter of a litre in less than an hour.... mhmm! And straight too. It tastes so much better that way; and gets to the head way faster. She always does this to me.

I contemplate smashing it against the stone wall across from me. I can imagine it swirling thru the air, its loud crash as it splinters into millions of smithereens interrupting the quiet of the night. It's what I'd like to do to her. Rip the memory of her out of my system and toss it out of my life. Preferably smash it into smithereens... and pray that she never comes back into my life. But I can't... can I? She's like a drug... every time I think I've managed to kick the habit, temptation knocks on my door... or in this case, calls my cellphone.

8:30 P.M. (Thur - Sep 4th, 08)
The phone rings.... Its Leah again. She has just left my apartment. I'd watched her from my deck as she carefully walked down the staircase leading from our condos, and then to her car. My heart had skipped a beat when she glanced in my direction before getting into the already running car.

I'd felt a tinge of envy when I'd realized that her boyfriend was with her and had actually been waiting in the car. No wonder she wouldn't stay for long. She had come to pick up a CD... she'd explained. She had brought me a bottle of Vodka... in exchange.

I'd thought she'd stay and drink it with me... she'd insisted that she was going home to sleep. I'd watched furtively, with mounting desire.... as she walked around my place... familiarity in her every step; absent-minded-ly opening doors - cupboards, fridge, freezers.... all this time talking non-stop.

Small talk... So what's new with me... she'd wanted to know. What have I been up to? What was I doing.....'

"Oh! I like the music you are playing... can you make me a CD. I just came back from Texas... I am so moving there.." And on and on and... just as abruptly as she'd come, she'd left... picking up a CD that was lying on the counter. I doubt that she'd even looked to see what was written on it.

'Thank you... ' I'd called out as she let herself out... Inwardly cursing myself for not acting on my impulses.

Now she was calling again...

"Hi.." I answer throatily... I hope she doesn't notice.

"I saw you..." She starts... then as if to answer my unasked question... "I saw you standing outside your door."

"Oh! Yeah... I was hot," I reply... "Thought I'd step out and catch the breeze"

"Really..." She goes...... in a tone that suggests more disbelief than anything... "and why may I ask... are you suddenly hot?"

"You don't want to know that..." I answer.... not untruthfully. The direction towards which this conversation is leaning, I do not care much for.


I am still thinking about her... long after we've hung up. The more I think.... the worse I feel. Never felt this way before... can't quite understand why or what it is that I was feeling. An empty feeling... a hollowness inside. A hollowness that's yearning to be filled... to be stuffed with something.

What with?

I search my soul... I search myself.... I search for a while before my eyes fall on it.. sitting on the shelve..... of my fridge door... Raspberry flavored Smirnoff Vodka. There is some left... slightly less than half. I drag it outside

The first swig takes my mind off my problems.... that is an understatement. It fairly shoots me out of this world... but not for long. As I sit out here in the dark... me and the creatures of the night - bugs mostly, I reflected on my relationships past, dwell for quite a bit on mine and Leah's - the love and the hate... the loneliness and the fulfillment. And when I am done... with the reflection and the vodka both..... I get up and walk inside. I will write a post for my blog... I'm thinking. I gather my tools and sit down to the task.

Where to start? Where it all began of course.....

8:15 P.M. (Thur - Sep 4th, 08)
I've finally managed to get Virtual DJ working without any glitches on my machine... I'm trying my hand at mixing some Bongo tracks when I'm interrupted by my phone buzzing... I take it out of my pocket to see who's calling.


I hesitate a little before answering.


"Hi Kei..." In that mischievously sexy voice that I used to think she reserved only for me. I have since learned that that was not the case.

"You in?"

"Yeah.... Why?" I ask rather warily... my heart already speeding up.

I hate it that I am so vulnerable around her. It's been a while since we've talked. I haven't thought of her recently. I thought I was finally cured of her... Apparently not...