Sunday, April 27, 2008

Me I.... Intro

I have thus finished the hardest part, so far, of my uuummm WIP - work in progress. And I kid you not, its been hard.

Brutal, even...

But worth every single drop of sweat. It was terribly hard on my fingers..... this hitting of the backspace key. No endless paper to waste.

That's what I loved about those old day typewriters... you typed... no you banged, one finger after laborious finger... and at the end of the sentence.... when the idea that had occurred to you to be 'The idea' does not look to be so much of an idea on paper after all, you practically ripped off the paper, frustrated at self, crumpled it up, perfectly, and like for the hundredth time managed to miss the waste paper basket at the other end of the nearly bare room and add on to the crumpled mess that now gathered picturesquely around the said basket.

How will I ever fit the picture of a struggling artist with a sleek Dell.... can't even afford the ubiquitous Mac.

Anyway, enough of the pity party.... nobody cares for the struggling artist... especially when he doesn't look like one. They will never make a movie about me.. boo hoo hooooo!

I have this dark feeling that I will wake up tomorrow undiscovered as yet, and have to face another Monday. To be honest with you... I always am actually...

But, seriously, I honestly don't know if I can face another Monday. I hate Mondays... I hate them so bad that hate is boiling over onto Sundays as well. See, there would not be Monday if it weren't for Sunday... right? I know we are supposed to rest and not work on Sunday, if like me its your seventh day.... right?

But how can I get any rest when all I do is get worked up over the ensuing madness that is my Mondays? Usually I am so worked up I can't even get sleep when I go to bed. Then I have to turn to the Russians for help... and so far they've always come thru for me... in a way they have.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah! Here...

Thursday, April 24, 2008


So attractive.
But oh... So elusive!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It sure is great to be misunderstood:)

'Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.' Ralph Waldo Emerson.... or some other quotable sage.

So I am great..... because I am often misunderstood?
A rhetoric question that...

I do know that I am great. Just because you are tempted to disagree does not negate that fact. You will be considered great too should you have the strength..... yes, the strength I said, to resist the temptation to call me out on this so obvious falsity.

You feel impelled to point out that greatness is not, nay, cannot be self appointed. You will more likely than not be quick to point back at history... at those figures of greatness that were Jesus... and Galileo, and Newton and what have you.... and ask that I compare.... or compete with their accomplishments.

But you will have missed the point.... entirely missed it.

And the point here being? You should ask. And in so asking, admit that indeed you did miss a point.... though a point there be none.

See, I am not in the habit of making points.... nor am I in a rush to break that said habit... or lack there of. I speak... or write; to write... or speak, for the mere sake of it.... be it speaking or writing. And therein lies my greatness.... right there in my speech.... or literature... whatever the case may be.

So in an effort to demystify this misunderstanding that makes great men great..... I suffer to ask... Should I intentionally misunderstand misunderstood men... great men that is, would I then succeed in understanding them and in that way strip them of their greatness?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Jan 18th, 2008

{“Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read thisBlaise Pascal quotes

'It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink: Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted. Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more. '
Proverbs 31:4-7

In the last two weeks I have experienced a myriad of emotions - ranging from total exhilaration and joy to rock bottom depression... I've stood on the brink and I've watched my whole world tumble over; I've watched as its plunged into a seemingly unstoppable nose dive.... I've seen it crash into the boulders and heard it splinter into a million pieces and I've watched as its gotten engulfed in flames of damnation.

On the other hand, I've tasted the sweet taste of personal freedom..... I've sucked at and drank in the scent of my free spirit.... I've looked up... away and ahead and I've seen past the horizon..... I have seen not one obstacle that I was not capable of overcoming. I've seen the promise of a future.... a future full of adventure, full of excitement, acclaim.... Adrenalin has rushed thru my veins as I've anticipated the dragons I am yet to encounter, and the treasures and the damsels that will be mine to rescue....}

Today I found this (above) bastard of a post..... amongst many other victims of my quitting habit.

Now, how to quit a quitting habit?

I don't know, quit quitting? Doesn't sound right.... but it doesn't have to be, does it?

Anyway, thought I'd let you know that since that fateful January 18th.... I have since discovered that the future is here...

It is .... and it's full of energy.... young raw energy.

Boundless energy.

Life..... endless possibilities.

Yes peeps, the future's here And its now.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Daily Wisdom

Things You Can Learn Standing In The Supermarket Check Out Line:

Excerpt from my daily dose of wisdom(yesterday's)...... from apple link on the right......>

1. Never dig yourself in a corner arguing with a clerk. The clerk, contrary to the old retail slogan, is always right. Even if she is humble about it, you will be the one to come out looking like the buffoon.
2. Of course you know that if you change lanes, the line you move to will end up moving slower. So the lesson is to just never change lanes.
3. Never believe what you read in the tabloid headlines, but also do not envy stars and celebrities. Do you really want to end up being chased, hounded and photographed during your worst moments with those photos plastered at every supermarket check out line?
4. Never let your kids accompany you through the check out line. If it is unavoidable, blindfold and gag them.
5. Never be impatient with the elderly woman counting out 19 pennies in change while five people stew in line: someone else is probably in line behind your own mother.
6. Never judge another customer by the beer or tobacco they buy. Never calculate how much money you save by not indulging in beer or chewing tobacco. The person in line behind you will thereby be calculating how much money they save by not indulging in coffee and chewing gum.
7. Never use the ATM/Debit/Credit card machine unless you can zip through the transaction like a 20-something. (I can't, and rarely do unless it is absolutely necessary. Why did they start making us do the clerk's job anyway?)
8. Never allow a newspaper columnist to get in line behind you because your confrontation with the clerk may end up verbatim in the daily paper.

And you thought standing in the check out line was a waste of time! You can get a whole education! Next time you're in line at the supermarket, thank God for the marvelous check out line.

Monday, April 14, 2008

No Cock, No Bull...... Just Bollocks

Boy do I have the story for you.

Well, truth be known, I have none.... Not the bollocks you deviant, no... the story.

That title, though, came to me in a vision... Well, I could say dream, but my dreams rarely leave me inspired... or half inspired as is the case here.

3:00 A.M. this morning or a few minutes to it.... the words in the title were echoing away....deep in the dark recesses of my subconscious.... Defiantly forcing themselves onto my consciousness, and sleepy me with them.

Made no sense then, making even less now... nearly 10 hours later.

I figured it must have something to do with my upcoming biography; in all its fictitious glory... which by the way should be coming out soon....

As soon as I uhmmm.... finish writing it, which hopefully should be within my lifetime... and yes Oprah's... and as I am now made to understand, Maua's too.

A lot of pressure there...

Not nearly as much, though, as say if the publisher had given me a $8 M down payment and a deadline... but I guess those are reserved for Ex-Presidents.... is that what you call former heads of state.... and their wives, mistresses and their ilk. All the Aides who've given them head...err the go ahead I meant.

People who have publishers. And agents and...... Ghost writers.

Apparently, last thing you need is the writing ability. Just an unbelievable lie for people to own and brag about owning at cocktail parties.

I beg your pardon... I don't even have a publisher... other than me that is... And sorry but no.... no way me is paying no down payment.

Ati 50% now.... and the rest when I maliza the said book. How can me trust I to not spend that money.... before I earn it? Mbele I have been known to spend even that which was not mine to earn let alone spend.

Besides... its 50% of what? How can I dare to put a price to a work that is literally my life.... past, present and future... regardless of the fact that it is not now worth much. Should I attach the overly-inflated value of my Dell typewriter? And the toll that this Vodka is taking on my body..... not to mention my note-bare wallet?

But fear not folks, me has a plan... and for those like I, who know me well, you know any plan by me is bound to be devious.... but workable in its simplicity, and that any involvement in it would mean.....errr!

Can't quite go there yet; major part of my exposé (auto-bio project) you know... don't want to go revealing for free what you would much rather pay top dollar to read... right?

Anyway, me thinks that what's holding up the writing of the bio is a lack of motivation... read money... and so, since as the publisher, me don't have the means nor the will to put some cash money down... only other way to get that money is to uhmmm, solicit it from the willing venture capitalists.

That, my dear readers, is you...

No... seriously...... Think about it......

Just you imagine, I....... the greatest writer yet to be discovered; And You..... having put down half of what will be the cost of the published book... and thus becoming the discoverers of I... partnering in the creation of what is bound to be the greatest revolution in book writing/publishing history.

'Bollocks!' you say.....

But what did you expect? A cock and bull story?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Treatment .......

Ok... avid fans... At the risk of earning your ire.. and tons of hate mail, I interrupt my biography-writing session to let you know that all is not well in the literary world... my little corner of it anyway.

Its hard I tell you... this constructing something outta nothing is really something.... Mob props to the big man upstairs.

Creation was no small feat I tell you; and in six days too? Wow!

But I doubt He had any deadlines to beat... or had to go to school and report to a boss in the same twelve hours.... For all we know, he may have been procrastinating all the while until all he had left was them seven days....

Who knows, maybe all he had was just six days and in a last-minute inspired humorous moment, he invented the seventh day to make himself look good... or to make sure we didn't ever have a chance of catching up with.

All in all, he did have way more to work with than I do...

O.K..... Maybe I should rephrase that; he did have way more he could do with his 'a whole lot of nothing....'

Anything! Nothing was defined for him. Adam could have gotten two mouths or, God forbid, two penises... and no-one would ever have been any wiser.... Nope, not even Eve.

I, on the other hand, have to create some semblance of my real life, or else my so called fan-base will quickly transform into their 'just-bubbling-below -the-surface' lynch-crowd version.... thirsting after that very life they were willing to pay to read about.

But to my consolation, His were the days before the Russians invented Vodka.

So I do have something, a bottle to clutch (and blame), which he didn't.

I wonder what he turned to, when after he'd separated the night from day... and he'd gotten hi-fives from them lovely looking heavenly creatures... and being without a wife (that we know about).. he'd had to sleep off a dayful of fatigue. I wonder.

I bet you have surmised so far that I really am sick.... home sick that is. I miss being close to mummy dear. Though I talk to her, more often now than before, thanks to Safaricom, It still doesn't take away this empty feeling in my abdomen that was never there when I lived in her house.

Yup! Though we were not exactly rich... we never went to bed hungry. At least I never did... I had this funny affliction which ummmm... turned me off food for the longest time. It only got cured, now that I think of it, when I moved out of aforementioned house.... and basically started fending for me self.

Right about then, this painful pangs started to attack me on a regular basis... And they did not relent until I had taken the over the counter treatments they sold at them fast food restaurants. Fast, I now know, describing the speed at which your girth enlarges as a consequent side effect of said treatments.

So dear fans, please excuse the idle appearance as we go in search of this treatment, without which, I won't stand a chance of completing this book.... While on the other hand, taking of which may mean my premature demise a la clogged arteries et al.

I vote we go for the treatment then get started on the Autobiography. Somebody second please:)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Certifiable Genius

No... not me... at least not the genius part. Certifiable? Maybe... probably... yes actually! And now that I think about it, it does take some amount of genius to pull off some of the crazy stunts (read stupidities) that I have been known to attempt....

But thats not what this post is about....

"Ahem!" I don't quite remember what this post was about... but someone sent me this funny video and hoping not to infringe on any copyrights, (please leave a comment if I am) I decided to try out Blogger's video feature. It does fit the title...

.... and will replace as soon as original thoughts resurface.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Coming Soon.....

Me I..... An autobiography. My fictitious life.

I know what you are wondering.... Ain't one supposed to live his life first... and achieve some sort of significance worthy of the paper it will be printed on.... let alone the person's time, who will be reading said memoirs?

And you are right in thinking that... I think you are... you after all, are always right, as a customer.

Well... in this case you are yet to take on that title... not till you see my face on the New York Best Seller list..... and decide that perhaps you may, just this once, stoop that low, as to be able to pick it up from the bottom of said list. No?

That's right... you'll probably wait for Oprah to validate me... huh?

But truth be known... and tis the truth this time... I cannot afford to put off the writing of this biography, just like I cannot afford to hire someone to ghost write it for me.

Like most of the other great things I aspire to do..... this too, if I don't get on top of it right away, may be forever relegated into that not so foreign realm of perpetual procrastination.... from where it will be lucky if it ever catches a glimpse of the sun shining.

The other thing you are probably wondering is how I plan on passing off a work of fiction as a biography.... or better still, why I feel the need to lie about my life.

Well, truth is.... it's rather hard to get into.

Truth that is. My truth especially. I don't even know that it exists. I sincerely hope it does though; for relevance..... you know... How else to validate a lie?

So write I will... and read you may. Hell... if you are patient enough, and willing of course, you may be able to dig thru the layers of ambiguity and see my life for what its going to be...

Long, lived short-ly.....

Or short, lived long-ly.... depending on what mirror I'll be looking into; or not.

Either way... I guess I do need to write it now... its got to be in Oprah's lifetime, and mine... yes?

Last night....

I didn't see no moon, no stars... no nothing... It was one of them overcast nights that romantics are yet to write a song about.... So, I hope, you gather I am no romantic.... and while not exactly blind, I could pass for it.

The reason I didn't see no moon last night can be found on the contents part of some apricot flavored brandy bottle.... somewhere.

Alongside it, my precious memories; of a nightful of debauchery or something close to it.... strip poker and one Jah-Qie (last name altered or altogether left out to protect said girl's reputation... and the fact that I remember it not).........and her phone number...

Huge reward promised to whoever recovers that oh so precious booty number.... and the phone of course. Now that I think about it.... I do feel naked.... I need a phone to leave my condo... you know, in case it burns down and they need to call and alert me that I have nowhere to sleep tonight.

Not that I need somewhere to sleep... I slept enough after Jah-Qie last night... and we didn't even finish the poker... or the stripping. Which is why I am officially quiting on Brandy... apricot flavored or not......

Almost... clearly doesn't count.... and neither do I.

Well.... perhaps I do....

Three shots of it, straight up, is all it took... then the tops flew, the bra stayed....

But it mattered not.... unto hitherto unexplored territories, my fingers strayed.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Out of America; Patwan

So I went on vacation these past few days.... Well, seeing me on Thursday night, struggling to get my key in the keyhole on my Condo's front door, all the while wondering why it always seemed to shrink at around 2:30 AM, you'd never have guessed that I'd be leaving early the next morning on my first vacation in God knows how many months. And I had not even packed....

So 9:00A.M. found me driving down soggy roads, through sorrier weather heading east on route 9.

I had to do some much needed shopping. I'd discovered, this morning, as I'd hurriedly thrown together articles of clothing while trying to keep my head up and my stomach from heaving out all that coke and bacardi that I could nearly taste, that its not last weekend like I'd thought that I did my laundry..... turns out it hasn't been done in a long while.

The sun was still rising on 'Shoppers World' when I got there... so I opted to grab a cup of coffee at Starbucks as I waited for the cloth discount stores to open up.

Armed with a hot grande caramel machiato, I walked into the adjoining Barnes & Noble Bookstore , looking to find a certain Black skin, white Mask by one Frantz Fanon..... that was highly recomended by a blogger of repute.

Turns out that this particular store didn't care much for neither the writer nor his works for they stocked none of it.... I asked to be directed to where such work would, perhaps, be shelved had they had it..... in the hopes that therein, perhaps, I might find an interesting read, for my three hour flight and equally long lay over.....

And indeed I did; snuggled in between 'Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto,' and equally unappealing 'Prude:How the sex obsessed culture damages girls (and America too),' was a book I could dare to relate to:- 'A Mind of Its Own; A Cultural History of The Penis.'

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Fin.... fin.... dolphin

Now 31337, if you tilt your head slightly to the right and a tad bit up... you'll notice the tail end of a dolphin - not a shark, that had just finished its trick jumping shift and was not willing to jump again.... even for overtime pay... hence I do not have a better picture.
Don't be envious Beth... as you read this I am probably on my way back to the not so warm NorthEast.... but I must say that these last four days have been the most relaxed ever.....
Tandra... you are welcome to join me... but be warned, my work regimen only allows for vacations only on leap years.....