Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Za Wikendi? A two part trilology (sic)

A Concrete Jungle

No sun will shine in my day today
The high yellow moon
won't come out to play
Darkness has covered my light,
And has changed my day into night
Now where is this love to be found,
won't someone tell me?
'Cause life, sweet life,
must be somewhere to be found, yeah
Instead of a concrete jungle
where the livin' is hardest
Concrete jungle, oh man,
you've got to do your best, yeah.

Bob Marley

So this past weekend would have gone by... well it did go by.. as just another event-less weekend but for two events; one that did happen and another that... well, just didn't quite happen.

Event one!

So, my uncle, having gotten better plans for himself and his better half, decided to postpone, indefinitely, my debut into the golfing world that was supposed to happen this past Saturday. So, after I'd finally picked my disappointed self off of the floor and wiped the tears of my face, I decided to... ummmm ....try and salvage the rest of the weekend by joining some buddies at the park.

So I get there and do the rounds... shaking hands here, hi-fiving there and all the while feeling the effects of that glass of 'Long Island Iced Tea' as it courses through that intricate network of veins and arteries that feeds my body. Apparently, for those who know about interactions... med professionals and all.... alcohol and high temps and humid conditions interact... and not in the best of ways.

So anyway, there I am... interacting with my fellow Kenyans, and as I go down the line of outstretched hands, shaking, hugging and pecking indiscriminately, I happen to hug a bust that is somewhat familiar. I take a step back and practically jump out of my skin when I recognize that the cheek I was just about to kiss belonged to none other than Leah's mum. Imagine that..... lol!

So I summon my wits... which are by then quite inebriated, and attempt what couldn't possibly pass for small talk.

KK: 'hic! Errr uhoro waku Mama Leah! hic!'

ML: Oh! Hi Kei... So good to see you... where have you been... blah blah blah...

She tells me they are all doing fine and, in-fact, Baba Leah had just come back from Zamunda and had asked her about me.

Whoa! Now, under normal circumstances, that statement right there would set off a million red flags and be cause enough for orange alerts to be declared.... but these circumstances were anything but. Somehow, I manage to last through the small talk... and smiling gratuitously, move on down the line of eager fans.

Peck here, "hi there"...
kiss, huggies... "uhoro? how have you been?"
Shakey shake "oh nice to meet you..."
"Kei, Kei Kei..." That with a Bondish wink
"nope, no autographs today." Haughtily with an upturned nose

Finally, fairly exhausted after shaking the last hand, I turn to where I imagine the drinks should be and run right smack into Baba Leah. I suppress a groan and try to match his enthusiasm as I return his greetings.

"Sema mbuyu, story za masiku" or the Kikuyu translation of same.

He goes on to repeat... I could almost swear it was verbatim, but then I wasn't quite myself and may have misheard.... what Mama Leah had told me before; except that when it came to the part of him asking about me, he pulls me towards her and asks her to confirm that yes, he had been asking about me.

Now, after hearing it the third time, my highly sensitized defense system scrambles to get the red flags up and the brain struggles to come up with a coherent response to the... ummmm ...allegation. We most certainly do not want a repeat of the Iraq debacle here so this calls for due diligence.... no!

But alas! no rash response is needed as this dictator is not afraid to reveal why he had been asking about me.

"You know Kei..." He starts in that patronizing drawl that is so Kikuyu.... designed, I think, to let you know that what you are about to hear you aren't supposed to know.

"You know it is quite refreshing to see a young man like you with a good head on his shoulders"

I don't quite burst out in laughter but only because I shake the said head as if to verify its goodness even as he goes on to shower me with praises.

"So many of our young men get lost when they come here," He goes on to say, throwing a disparaging eye towards a rowdy group of guys that I was just thinking of joining.

"But not you. You wouldn't be here otherwise."

'Well... actually I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my Uncle flaking out on me' I'm thinking to myself but dang...

"You know, I wish my daughters would end up with a stand up guy like you..."

"What!" I manage to say through my embarrassment.

"I thought you had an eye for Leah... what happened?" He chides.

I try to say something intelligible but my mouth does not cooperate...

"Anyway... you are too late now," He goes on to drop a verbal weapon of mass destruction on my ass..

"Somebody beat you to it..."

"Yep," He reaffirms as if he's read the disbelief in my eyes, "they are coming for the official courting business this coming week."

I was speechless before, I am dumbfounded now...

I mean.... WTF!

So I stand there for another minute or so, embarrassed, smiling like a fool as he goes on... telling me not to worry, the other daughter is still available.... blah! blah! blah! And the first chance I get I am so gone. I am out there gulping down shots of Captain Morgan with that very group that I, supposedly, different from.

So there, you have it.... Celibacy my ass. Ms. Leah may be voluntarily celibate... but I sincerely doubt that pure enjoyment is the reason for it. My thoughts are that she has to prevent potential trauma to the goods before the eventual owner has put down a down-payment on them. Either that or she's afraid if he turns out to be a lousy lay, her recent memories might mess her up. Both moot points but.....

What do you think?

About the second event... well, it didn't really happen so it's really not an event. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. For now, let me placate my boss by getting some work done:)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Celibacy is overrated.....

I'm jus saying.

Y'all remember Leah... of the crossroads fame? Yes? No?

Well... anyway... a chance meeting after what could only amount to a very long time led to a night of painting the town red.... and getting wasted in the name of catching up. Turns out she ditched the boyfriend of many years and is now enjoying being a single lady.... and, apparently, the best thing about her new status is the celibacy part.....

Mhmmmh! Is all I am gonna say to that.

Thankfully, though, her couch must have been made in heaven... Or perhaps I was so drunk I could have slept on the floor and enjoyed it. LOL!

Anyway... Part Deux... of the Racheal story is up.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Santadearest@?.? :All I want for Christmas

PS… Due to technical ignorance…. My assuming that the Nokia peeps didn’t know what the hell they were talking about when they reiterated to back up my memory and contacts and such before updating the firmware of my E71 can only be characterized as such…. I no longer have Santa’s contact information. If you happen to (have it), please, kindly forward this email to him. It contains my Christmas list which I have gone to great pains to compile. It would be a shame if he should fail to get it in time…..

So dear Santa,

I hope you don’t find it presumptive of me calling you 'dear' when you and I have yet to meet. Heck, I didn’t even know you existed until I came to this here land of milk n honiez… and even then, I only heard of you through tales told to me on the radio and twice or so, I saw your ugly face on T.V. To be honest, I’d have gone on to discard your myth amongst the pile of useless info I retain at the back of my mind but you wouldn’t have none of that. You surprised me last Christmas by leaving me a rather desirable gift…. albeit at the wrong address.

Yes… that was very kind of you and very clever too now that I think of it. For a moment… six months or so… I was so pre-occupied with it (the gift), I didn’t realize how self serving that act was for you. I mean, now I’ll never forget you… will I? Only one problem though…. while that was a rather thoughtful gift for sure… I wish, in retrospect, you hadn’t tried so hard. In fact, I decided to save you the trouble and make you a list… see below… And what’s more, you don’t even have to choose, just get me everything on the darn list. I even included hyperlinks to picture

Oh! And next time, please, check my address beforehand. Due to my fugitive status, I am not able to stay in one place indefinitely…. But I always leave clues… forwarding addresses… footprints… tell-tale smoke signals…etcetera

Here goes.... in no particular order

1. ns7 Numark NS7

2. Coffin … for the NS7 not for me…lol

3. Computer Desk

4. Powered Speakersaudioengine

5. Laptop Docking Station

6. lg-monitor-W53-Large24” LCD Monitor

7. Leather swivel chairLeather Chair

8. 2006-audi-s4-sedan-6_1024x0w06 Audi S4

And in case you are wondering if I am leaving all my dreams to you to fulfill…. No, just the easy stuff. Getting the listed items should be easy… keeping and maintaining them is the hard part… and using them is even harder. It takes talent, time and patience… apart from the S4…. That one just needs gas and an open highway… oh.. and a sharp eye for the cops. Yeah… Lil Weezy was lying with that Mrs. Officer shit… I’ve found that you are better off paying a stripper to dress as a cop than trying to sing that to a real one.

Come to think of it, perhaps, I should add that to my list. Hmmmh! Can you get your hands on a sexy cop uniform? Or better yet, how about you just get the stripper… I'll work on getting the uniform.

Anyway... that there is my list.... and I do pray that you get it on time.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

There's a thin line between love and hate.....

And the person who drew it did not use permanent ink.... Kei :)

"We'll have to work on getting you in touch with your emotions.." was a line that my ex used on me a lot. She did eventually succeed although probably not in the way she had envisioned as I finally got in touch with the... "I can't stand this nagging B!#*h" emotion and the "I swear if she says that one more time I'ma...." one.

Mostly due to, I think, my personality, I don't express myself much.... other than on this blog that is. I do do that... right?

Anyway, I have recently come to learn, thanks to the indirect efforts of Mo and Crys, that I can blame a lot of my quirks on my INFP personality. Like the fact that most people think I am easy going and able to get along with just about anybody... which is quite true for the most part. Ok... maybe not those of you who read my blog... I'm aware that mostly it's my arrogant self that sells itself here. I am talking about those people with whom I interact one on one on a day to day basis. What those people don't realize, is that I am so in control of my outward emotions that I will instinctively portray the emotions I want them to see.

So I come off as this polite, patient... nice, young man with a great personality and a kind word for everybody. If you ask most people about me, they'll tell you what a nice person I am. Incidentally, I really loathe that word..... nice. Don't ever call me nice or else I'll loose whatever respect I have for you. In the real sense, though, I am all of that... polite, patient, inconceivably tolerant and, perhaps, even humble, due mostly to my mother's no nonsense upbringing, but I am a lot of other things too. Most of which I can not dare to print in case a future employer chances upon my blog... but suffice it to say that if you really knew me, you'd know that I am not a 'nice' person.

Yeah... you are probably thinking that that is being rather double-faced.... Well..... blame it on the ah ah ah ahhh al alco... nah, blame it on the person who came up with those stupid personality profiles. LOL!

So anyway, what was it I was going to blog about.... Yeah, love and hate... right. Well, a friend of mine is pregnant and soon looking to get married. I was thinking about her the other day and it occurred to me that, though I really liked her a lot, I literally cannot stand her . Is that even possible?

We met last year... towards the end of winter, and we hang a total of five times between then and the end of summer. There was undeniably some... actually, a lot of chemistry between us, but I ended up sabotaging, by design, our budding relationship. There is something about her attention seeking personality that really rubs me off the wrong way, and yet, she has this childlike disposition that is so adorable...

Anyway, I'd go on and on... and give you the dirt on how that relationship went burst, but that would be too boring. I did however try to characterize her as best as I could in my nanowrimo entry last year. Well, I never quite completed it.... Yes, Suga, Crys, I know...... I am working on finishing it... I promise.

Here are the pertinent excerpts.... Enjoy.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Get to know me...... Shameless self tagging

Copy all questions, write responses, and tag yourselves, blogger pals.

I did.... From Maua's :)

1. What time did you get up this morning?

2. How do you like your steak?
-With a side of baked potatoes and gravy.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
- Cinema? Sounds very British. If you mean the Movies, I really don’t remember. Probably some horror flick with my last girlfriend. Does that sound too American?

4. What is your favorite TV show?
- Dexter… Quit looking at me like that.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
- My own island in the Caribbean.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
- A chapo and peach jelly. English breakfast tea and a couple of digestives.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
- Hmmmh! I try not to do favoritism. I don’t care much for Ghanaian and Chinese.

8. What foods do you dislike?
- Ooops… I think I went ahead of myself above.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
- At my desk… Then I have n excuse not to work. After all, I wouldn’t want to ruin my keyboard by spilling food or liquids on it.

10. Favorite dressing?
- On me… Casual; on her… that little pink slip.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
- An 05 Malibu… I was desperate at time of purchase. I'm nolonger desperate... just stuck.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
- What’s with this favorite question anyway?

I don’t have Sunday best anymore.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
- Depends on whether I’m emptying or filling it. Donnit?

15. Where would you want to retire?
- On that Island

16. Favorite time of day?
- 5:00 P.M. Hands down. That’s when the boss opens the door slightly and looks the other way so I can slither out of my workplace.

17. Where were you born?

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
- Football… American Football. I know... u may not think it is, but that's what they call it here.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
- Trying to answer this is, I think, an effort in futility.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
- I don’t want anyone accusing me of expecting too much from them.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Heather… She’s crazie like me. Or is it…. Crazy she likes me?

22. Bird watcher?
-Is this a trick question? Are we talking real birds or chics?

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-.I am not a morning person. I sleep walk through my mornings and get up around noon.

24. Do you have any pets?

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
- What I have is exciting but old so it doesn’t qualify as news.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
-I wanted to be a grown up… then I grew up and found out how overrated that really was and now all I want is to be a little bit more richer… and leaner… maybe a little taller.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
- I truly don’t remember being a child… all I have is a weird longing for those years I think I lost between my getting born and becoming a lost adult in the real world. Could that have been my childhood?

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
-Mhmmm! Not sure. I think I was born in the year of the monkey. Or was it the pig.

29. Are you married?
-Thank God no… but I am taking in applications if you happen to be eligible


30. Always wear your seat belt?
-When I remember to… Even if I am but a minute away from my destination.

31. Been in a car accident?
-Several and lived to tell the stories. Fake ones mostly because there was no way I was going to admit liability. You have no idea how much money (insurance Surcharges and such) I've save myself over the last ten or so years. I don't have an idea either.

32. Any pet peeves?
-Yes… Too many questions. Whoever sat down and thought up a 50 question tag ought to be hung.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
-Sweet and sour chicken and pineapple.

34. Favorite Flower?
-I’m all about deflowering.

35. Favorite ice cream?
-Any Combi I can come up with at Cold Stone Creamery.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
-Miranda Bread…. Well it’s actually a Brazillian place and their service is nothing close to fast.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
-Once… Then I went out and became an expert parallel parker. Of course, they didn't bother to test me on that the second time.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
-Paypal thanking me for using my paypal debit card to pay for my $4:00 lunch at my favorite not so fast food place.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
-At this point of my UN-Creditworthy life, any store that would be stupid enough to give me a credit card.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
-Does doing this tag thing qualify?

41. Like your job?
- Do you like to knock your head against the wall?

42. Broccoli?
-Pleasant memories of when I unknowingly fed my Albanian friend a stew containing broccoli having forgotten that she was allergic…. hahaha.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
- My last one… and the next one will be even better. I actually have a poor long-term memory so I cannot really be honest with these questions. Sorry, I should’ve mentioned that before but I forgot.

44. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with?
-Kagweria…. After I picked her up from the airport last night.

45. What are you listening to right now?
-A Bongo-Genge mix I made on a sleepless night a couple of weeks ago.

46. What is your favorite color?
-Black… I think.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
- Two fake ones and don’t ask me where.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
- All of them. It’s hard for me to count.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
-I’m still working on it. I answered the easy ones first like I do all quizzes. This just happened to be one of them.

50. Coffee Drinker?
-Yes… If you are buying.

Fifty questions? For crying out loud. Hope you lasted this long. I almost didn't.