Kei is cooking... according to his latest status on fb. Facebook, he is pleased to note, (not quite sure why he would be pleased but drinking usually makes him easy to please, and he's been drinking some this evening) has become so popular it is turning out to be quite a phenomena. Kind of like uhmmm... can't quite think of anything even close..... But it's not like he's paying me to write this crap anyway, let alone think.
So he was cooking and he invited, on the same status message, anyone who happened to be hungry to go over for some half-cooked ugali and some kachumbari and five pieces of nyama choma. Somehow, and this is not normal for him, he forgot to mention that the 'anyone' on that invite was meant for his female friends only.
An omission he will likely live to regret seeing how the only one who answered the said invite was a local bum. Did I mention how prevalent this fenomena book has become? How does one who can't afford a roof over his head manage to get an internet connection let alone have a Facebook account?
"It's called the public library, dumbass," was the bum's quick retort, in between mouthfuls of the half-cooked ugali and kachumbari and....... "and it's prudence not an inability to afford that effing roof." He had gone on to explain as he munched on the third piece of nyama and in effect making Kei feel rather stupid... you know that kind of stupid like those peeps in 'left behind' must have felt when they woke up to find that they had been, you know, left behind.....
It didn't help that this was the second or third time in the same evening that he had felt that stupid... if not worse. The first time being as he was... believe it or not... wrapping a gift for tomorrow's gift swap at the office. Yes he did quite feel rather stupid as he tried to wipe the blood off of the bloody gift. The blood in this case being from the numerous paper cuts sustained in the wrapping effort. The pain made worse when he'd realized that the said gift in the end still seemed to be wrapping the wrap paper instead of vise versa.
Then he started to cook, (perhaps I should say half-cook judging from the result) and stupid took on a whole hot new meaning as he burnt his knuckles and barely missed, by a fraction of an inch I should add, including a piece of his index finger in the kachumbari as he diced the tomatoes. Which, now that he thinks about it, would have served this arrogant bum well, if he had gone on to take a bite of his food and found a finger tip ogling at him. He'd more than likely have tried to sue as soon he'd gotten over the trauma so it's just as well. The last thing Kei needs is anaa freaking creditor. They are already carpooling to his premises as it is.
Then, (you thought that was it, didn't you....) he turns on his T.V. and instead of tuning to TNT or The History Channel like he normally does, he makes the mistake of tuning to MTV... First, he doesn't understand why the commentator's first remark is "oh! finally dude, welcome to the new world!" Then shock on him as the 'dude' goes on to introduce the playlist and Shakira's 'hips don't lie' is not number one... whaaat!
Well not only is it not number one, it is not even on the damn playlist. And to think that the only reason he sat through the whole playlist program was to see at what number she had been relegated to.
Well, in that half hour or so, Kei learnt that Britney had gone from asking to be hit one more time to gimme gimme more (no wonder she went to rehab, dame's always asking for it); that Miles Cyrus was actually the name of a girl and not some milestone on highway 66 like he had initially thought; that Lil Wayne was "ill"... though he wasn't quite sure what the illness was, unless it had to do with his repetition of the phrase of "I'm ill" at the end of his song; and that some girl - Katy Perry or something, had actually been nominated for a grammy for singing about kissing a girl.
Now, that really got to him and I can see why seeing how he actually got to first kiss a girl sometime last year and he'd gotten so blown away by the experience he was gonna sing about it from the top of the mountains, well he'd actually settled for the rooftop.... But I, being his closest friend and confidant and the sane prevailing voice in his lil head, managed to discourage him, telling him how stupid such a move would be. Of course, I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me when after the song ended he had turned to me with painful accusation shining from those big mournful eyes of his. (On second thoughts, I've met his neighbors from downstairs and I'm glad the floor didn't open up.)
Now, as I sit back and watch him watch as the bum brings his fingertips to his lips and sucks each one clean, I can only imagine what is going through his mind right now. He is wondering if kissing those greasy bum lips would be worth the grammy that singing about it would obviously win him; and I am not about to stop him this time. Even I aren't that stupid. So watch this space ladies and gentlemen, or better yet, tune in to MTV next year a time like now for the nomination of "I kissed a bum" by none other than your one and only... please insert here whatever this fool who thinks he owns me and this here blog is to you....
Merry Christmas fools... now, please stand under the damn mistletoe, there is money to be made and more to be had.