Monday, January 28, 2008

Can't see a thing.....

I squint and squint again.... trying to focus my eyes on something... anything in the pitch black darkness. A darkness so deep and voluminous it seems tangible... but its not. I know because I've, in desperation, tried to claw at it..... all in vain.
I'm on my knees and though the surface I kneel upon is solid.... I am hard pressed to describe it - it's cold and hard on my knees, but when I touch it with my hands it has an odd warm sensation underneath the cold exterior..... as if a dark (no pun intended) presence lurks beneath it.

I gingerly touch the surface - its slightly bumpy and has a porous texture, and though it’s hard it gives slightly when I put pressure on my fingers. It feels like skin, old hard skin...... I have this uncomfortable feeling that I am perched on the back of a humongous whale...... yeah, like I'd much rather it were a small whale. There is a clamminess to the touch and I can feel my hands moisten with sweat...... my sweat? I'm not sure...... both my palms are on the surface and it feels like they are slowly turning to water..... holy shit!.... I'm melting..... I snatch them away and for a long lingering second they are stuck..... or do they refuse to budge? I don't know, they seem to have taken on a life of their own.... no wait..... I can't feel them, it seems I have no life beyond my wrists.... oh God.

I can honestly say that that was the longest second of my life.... but its gone now..... my hands are coming up... in slow motion..... time's taken on an oddly abstract form...... I can't see them but I can sense their progress towards my face...... My limbs seem to have metamorphosed into robotic arms.... my arms feel like they've grown to ten times their normal length and just as heavy. As the hands approach my face, I panic, again..... what was on that surface? Do I really want my hands on my face...... can I even stop my hands from touching it.... grabbing at it..... gouging out my..... oh God.... those are my hands I’m talking about.....what has come over me.... what's wrong with me.

Sigh! They've stopped... within inches, maybe less....... I still can't see them - God... This darkness..... but, I can smell them.... there's a whiff of something… I’m not sure what. I crinkle my nose and inadvertently touch my hands with the tip of it. Oh My G0...... wait a minute..... or second/mili or nano..... they’re dry..... completely dry.... I forget my fears and bring them to my cheeks; I feel for my ears, my hair , my mouth, my nose, my mouth again..... I’m afraid to feel for my eyes.... I’m afraid of what I might find, or not find, where my eyes are supposed to me. It's occurred to me that I may be blind.... why else can't I see a thing...... my hands are right in front of me and I can't see them...... what happened to my eyes...... a lump lodges itself in my throat, a shiver runs down my spine.... tears well up and I want to cry.... I want to mourn the loss of my eyes.... the loss of my future...... for how can it exist if I cannot see it?

I wait for the torrent that will inevitably come... I've always been a cry baby.... I muse somewhere at the back of my mind. Now that's one thing I was always ashamed off.... beneath the coolness I exuded in public was quite a sissy of a man..... Nobody knew it - but those few girls whom, to placate for apparently being selfish in my sharing about myself, I had factitiously admitted to being a total coward.


I smiled ruefully as I momentarily forgot my predicament..... quitting mid-smile as I suddenly became aware of warm sensation spreading in the general area of my groin and the whiff that I thought I'd caught earlier hit my nostrils full force..... pungent and acrid....there was no mistaking what it was........


Nooo......oo ooooooooo! I start to yell but something is terribly wrong....... the corners of my mouth, already twisted upwards in the beginning of a smile from earlier.... remained in place and as I worked to open my mouth and let out the yell, my lips seemed to stretch apart in a grotesque movement that I could only compare to an elastic band being stretched between two fingers.... only this time my lips felt like they were stretching to eternity. My jaws couldn't tell for sure if they were meant to be smiling or yelling and my teeth ground together in the agony of disparity......


'Weeping and gnashing of teeth.....' I must be in hell..... I knew I should have memorized those bible verses.... damn.... what did I do? Oh God, why?......Why me and why only me? Where is everyone el....... Hold up..... 'Get a hold of yourself man.....' Somewhere in the dark, I know.., recesses of my mind an idea has crept out.... I can actually see it coming towards me. I shut my eyes as I try to focus on it. It floats, like a cloud, up and down. As I struggle to keep my focus on it, it occurs to me how ironic it is that I have to close my eyes to see a thought. Who would have thought... and to think that try as I might I had not been able to see anything with my eyes open....


'Oh shit!' I lost sight of it..... Oh God no.... I can feel the panic coming on again.... I shut my already shut eyes further in an effort to concentrate and focus on that flimsy thought..... I’m thinking whatever it is, it's very important.....why else this sinking feeling I have as I search in vain the dark murky waters that apparently are my brain..... don't know but I always thought that my brain was solid..... I always pictured a well organized library with endless rows of cabinets and a high powered computer at one end.... vanity, I know.


I'm certainly doomed.... where are those tears again? Wait a minute, there it is..... I can see it.... clear as daylight.... Actually I can see around it.... seems like a huge cloud has moved and from behind it a bright light has emerged.... very bright light..... so bright all am seeing of the thought is its silhouette.


I squint and squint again..... its floating towards me, slowly, no rush.... what's my hurry anyway? I wonder to myself..... I squint nevertheless, impatient to find out what I am thinking..... the thought is slowly coming into focus.... the further it floats from the source of light the sharper its features are if, even, you can call them that. I mean, it’s just a thought.... what features could a thought have?


My eyes are closed. Shut so tight the muscles controlling my eyelids are beginning to pulsate..... its taking what seems like an eternity to come into focus. I can finally relax my eyes, a little.... I take in the thought and try to decipher it... ‘open’ it says....open what? What? Oh! ‘Open my eyes’ it says.... 'open your eyes dummy.... your alarm’s ringing and its about to rouse the whole neighborhood'


'Oh Shit!' My eyelids fly open..... then quickly shut again as the rays of sunshine that have managed to escape past my skimpy drapes hit the retinas and set off a colorful explosion of fireworks display which culminates in a blinding white light that lingers for ever….. The accompanying sound is deafening and out of place. It takes me a while before I realize that it’s coming from my alarm. I blindly reach out in the general direction of my bedside table and hefting the annoying object like a brick, I fling it with all the energy I can summon in the direction from which those rays had shone...


It lands against the wall with a dull thud and for a short two seconds all is quiet...... then, did I say short, the cacophony starts again. 'Oh great!...' I sigh and settle back into my beddings wishing for that ominous darkness to swallow me up again. I am so not ready to face another week.... No wonder so many choose to take their lives on Sundays. I reach tentatively towards my groin and let out another sigh... this one of relief.....


I open my eyes, barely, and squint my way out of bed..... I ignore that noisy contraption on my bedroom floor and feel my way to the bathroom. I turn the shower on sluggishly and practically drag my body into the tub. The slightly hotter than comfortable water does the trick..... As I stand under the shower, the hot water pummeling my back, I can finally feel my body slowly come to life. With a little more energy than before, I drag myself from beneath the water and stand in front of the mirror. I hardly recognize the man in the mirror anymore...... he hasn't changed much from last week though. Wait a minute.... what is that beneath his right eye?


I squint and squint again.....

1 comment:

Crystal balls said...

you have a really frightening mind. really. you do.