Breaking it down.... (A blog posting)

8:30 A.M. (Fri - Sep 5th, 08)
I think I owe someone an apology.....
'Fifee Dearest.... I know you called me last night. I know because at 12:04 A.M. I looked at the call history and the last call I received was yours. Before that, there were four missed calls. I don't know if we talked at all... well, the call duration was 5.20 min - thank God for technology, so we must have talked. I am hoping that I did not say anything untoward, but just in-case I did, I sincerely apologise. I was not myself... you may have noticed... no, I don't know who I was.....'

12:03 A.M. (Fri - Sep 5th, 08)
Something jolts me awake. 'What am I doing in the bathroom?' I wonder to myself as I painfully try to focus my vision. Silly question... what else would I be doing seated on the toilet? I wonder what time it is and as I lift my arm to look at my wrist watch, I realize am holding my cell-phone. "It's 12:04... holy shit!" I quickly click to the call history screen and see that yes... I missed Tim's two calls, and Tony's and Maggie's... "Wait, I talked to Fifee?"

My head feels heavy, literally, and I can't seem to get my brain to work. I can vaguely recall talking to her, but about what I cannot remember. Last thing I recall is coming in from the porch... sorry, balcony, and sitting down to write something. But that was two hours ago. Oh yeah......

10:04 P.M. (Thur - Sep 4th, 08)
'I should do this more often...' I'm thinking to myself as I upturn the Vodka bottle to make sure I get the last of it. I close my eyes and, my feet pushing against the balcony railing, I lean back in my chair and swish the drink around my mouth before slowly swallowing it. I ruefully stare at the bottle... regretting that it's no more. A quarter of a litre in less than an hour.... mhmm! And straight too. It tastes so much better that way; and gets to the head way faster. She always does this to me.

I contemplate smashing it against the stone wall across from me. I can imagine it swirling thru the air, its loud crash as it splinters into millions of smithereens interrupting the quiet of the night. It's what I'd like to do to her. Rip the memory of her out of my system and toss it out of my life. Preferably smash it into smithereens... and pray that she never comes back into my life. But I can't... can I? She's like a drug... every time I think I've managed to kick the habit, temptation knocks on my door... or in this case, calls my cellphone.


8:30 P.M. (Thur - Sep 4th, 08)
The phone rings.... Its Leah again. She has just left my apartment. I'd watched her from my deck as she carefully walked down the staircase leading from our condos, and then to her car. My heart had skipped a beat when she glanced in my direction before getting into the already running car.

I'd felt a tinge of envy when I'd realized that her boyfriend was with her and had actually been waiting in the car. No wonder she wouldn't stay for long. She had come to pick up a CD... she'd explained. She had brought me a bottle of Vodka... in exchange.

I'd thought she'd stay and drink it with me... she'd insisted that she was going home to sleep. I'd watched furtively, with mounting desire.... as she walked around my place... familiarity in her every step; absent-minded-ly opening doors - cupboards, fridge, freezers.... all this time talking non-stop.

Small talk... So what's new with me... she'd wanted to know. What have I been up to? What was I doing.....'

"Oh! I like the music you are playing... can you make me a CD. I just came back from Texas... I am so moving there.." And on and on and... just as abruptly as she'd come, she'd left... picking up a CD that was lying on the counter. I doubt that she'd even looked to see what was written on it.

'Thank you... ' I'd called out as she let herself out... Inwardly cursing myself for not acting on my impulses.

Now she was calling again...

"Hi.." I answer throatily... I hope she doesn't notice.

"I saw you..." She starts... then as if to answer my unasked question... "I saw you standing outside your door."

"Oh! Yeah... I was hot," I reply... "Thought I'd step out and catch the breeze"

"Really..." She goes...... in a tone that suggests more disbelief than anything... "and why may I ask... are you suddenly hot?"

"You don't want to know that..." I answer.... not untruthfully. The direction towards which this conversation is leaning, I do not care much for.

************************

I am still thinking about her... long after we've hung up. The more I think.... the worse I feel. Never felt this way before... can't quite understand why or what it is that I was feeling. An empty feeling... a hollowness inside. A hollowness that's yearning to be filled... to be stuffed with something.

What with?

I search my soul... I search myself.... I search for a while before my eyes fall on it.. sitting on the shelve..... of my fridge door... Raspberry flavored Smirnoff Vodka. There is some left... slightly less than half. I drag it outside

The first swig takes my mind off my problems.... that is an understatement. It fairly shoots me out of this world... but not for long. As I sit out here in the dark... me and the creatures of the night - bugs mostly, I reflected on my relationships past, dwell for quite a bit on mine and Leah's - the love and the hate... the loneliness and the fulfillment. And when I am done... with the reflection and the vodka both..... I get up and walk inside. I will write a post for my blog... I'm thinking. I gather my tools and sit down to the task.

Where to start? Where it all began of course.....

8:15 P.M. (Thur - Sep 4th, 08)
I've finally managed to get Virtual DJ working without any glitches on my machine... I'm trying my hand at mixing some Bongo tracks when I'm interrupted by my phone buzzing... I take it out of my pocket to see who's calling.

Leah.....

I hesitate a little before answering.

"Hello!"

"Hi Kei..." In that mischievously sexy voice that I used to think she reserved only for me. I have since learned that that was not the case.

"You in?"

"Yeah.... Why?" I ask rather warily... my heart already speeding up.

I hate it that I am so vulnerable around her. It's been a while since we've talked. I haven't thought of her recently. I thought I was finally cured of her... Apparently not...