Reflecting on the long term

Its been three years since I was knocking on your door......

Sorry... I was having a Bob Marley moment... yes another one... I tell people all the time that I am a Bob reincarnate but they don't believe me.... I mean.... I was born and he died.... I know......, and you probably don't believe it either..... So I won't bother to tell of the dream where I was 'spiritually' abducted and brought to heaven (I know it was coz the 'grass' there was so green and grew every where) to face him..... the little I could see of him behind all the callie smoke that conveniently curtained him from my reality.... And had to explain why I am not yet in the music business.... Twelve year old me? Clearly weed makes you delusional.......


Anyway, back to my reality today.... ever had one of those of deep reflection moments hit you? Well one got me bad this morning, quite unexpectedly I should add.... I mean, most Mondays I sleepwalk thru the morning.... wake up at noon to find that it's still Monday and go right back to sleep and walking.... Basically I am too busy avoiding furniture, bosses, nosy workmates etc.... to sit there and reflect.


Today was different though... One of the nosy workmates even commented on my alertness... I guess I should review everything I did last night and make a note to do it every Sunday..... but back to my reflection.


I have never been good with longterm relationships.... I mean how could I when I never had one... that is until three years ago when Bri and I first got together.... and even then I would have thought twice if I had known that that was where we were headed. Too late now..... I'm not about to bail out on her or anything....


Like all good relationships, we've had our bad times and all but we've managed to get thru most..... though we've lost quite a lot of stuff in the process..... Including, unfortunately, the feelings that we had in the beginning..... I know I have... I shouldn't speak for her.....


Regardless, I admire her very much for the quiet steadfast manner she has maintained while putting up with all the crap I bring her way.... and its a lot.... I am totally ashamed to admit but that's what deep reflections will get you to do...... confess without thinking.... blah blah blah


So this morning in my rush to get to work before I was more than five minutes late.... I accidentally shoved her into a wall.... Shove is probably not the right term since you can't really picture shoving and unintentional together..... anyway, she must have been really upset for I didn't hear a word from her as I apologised profusely while grabbing for my bags and packed luncheon....


As I carded myself into my workplace... the only emotion that registered in my head was remorse..... hence the reflection...... And reflect I did.... I could not, try as I might, get rid of the image of that long dark bruise that seemed to grow darker and more sinister the more I reflected.... obviously my reflection mirror has been used um thoroughly unused.... just like most of my brain.....

I feel really bad about the abuse I've put Brianna thru...... I truly am sorry.... and I don't really know how to tell her. I'm thinking featuring her on my blog might go a long way.... if I can successfully send her an anonymous tip.... Does she even know what a blog is? I can't believe how I can be in a long term relationship and not be aware of the other's knoweths and knoweth nots.